I'm 'Fine'

I really wasn't sure what to write about for this week's post; bit of writer's block.  So I must credit The Wife for today's topic, cheers love!

When someone asks you how you are, what's your natural response?  'I'm fine thanks' usually suffices, right?  Well yeah, of course, cos it's easier to answer with those two words, rather than giving an honest answer – unless you really are fine, in which case 'I'm fine' is, er, fine.  But if you're a spoonie, then nine times out of 10 you're not 'fine'.  I've just this minute Googled 'I'm fine', and the top result was this poem, which, although written by someone a lot older than myself, pretty much hits the nail bang on the head, particularly the last stanza.

You're probably wondering why spoonies are such a dishonest breed.  Let me give you an alternative response to 'I'm fine', then it might make more sense.  Hypothetically, on a bad day, if someone was to ask me how I was, I could respond with the following:

'I'm exhausted; I took ages to get to sleep last night, caused by pain, or anxiety about pain/care/new equipment/a long car journey etc.  I ache all over because I've been sitting in the same position for God knows how many hours, and I've still got X amount of hours left to get through.  I'm absolutely boiling hot, cos I can't seem to regulate my own temperature, and feel constantly overheated, even when it's -5 outside.  My hair needs a wash, but last night was a non-carer night, and my mother wasn't in the mood/didn't have the energy/was out.  I'm sick of this 'will it/won't it snow?' business because, as a spoonie, snow automatically means not going out for several days – weeks, in the case of 2011 – for fear of getting stuck somewhere, and not being able to just call the AA, as I travel in my non-collapsible, dead fragile, wheelchair.  For other spoonies, there's the risk of falling, and causing more damage to yourself.  I've had/got a busy week this week, and I'm worried I'm not going to have enough spoons to get me through/over it.  I'm really spotty, cos of my raging hormones, but I don't have the time or energy in the morning to put any make-up on, and I certainly don't have the time or energy to use a cleanser – neither does my mother – and that's even if I could get myself close enough to a sink, which I can't.'

Bet you're really glad you asked now, huh?  Although the above is a very worst-case scenario, hypothetical kind of response, it is definitely the type of answer that I could give, easily.  In fact, some bits of it were true, but I'm not telling you which bits, cos us spoonies tend to shy away from the 'poor me' routine.  Without generalising, I think everyone does, to a certain extent; it's that British 'stiff-upper lip' thingy isn't it?  No doubt the same could be true for other nationalities, lemme know, I'd be interested to hear the common response to 'how are you?' in Outer Mongolia, for example.

I can only speak for myself, influenced by my spoonie-ness, and say that I use 'I'm fine' for three reasons.  Firstly, I really can't be arsed to tell certain people the truth, particularly if it's someone that doesn't know me very well, or I don't trust them enough to be that honest, as I'd have to give a very thorough explanation for them to even begin to understand.  Whereas, if I was talking to someone who knew me well, and I trusted, I could give them the bare necessities, and they'd get it.  Being honest takes up too much energy, uses too many spoons, for me to waste it on explaining myself to someone who I may never see again, or who probably isn't really that bothered, and would rather I had just stuck with 'I'm fine'.

Secondly, there's the guilt aspect; spoonies are constantly thinking about those around them, and how their disability/illness is affecting them.  Well I am, and I know for a fact this is how The Wife thinks.  So by telling somebody the truth, I would automatically feel guilty that I'd made them feel bad or, even worse, I'd made them feel sorry for me, which is something no spoonie wants to do.  Aside from 'poor you', another response from a non-spoonie may be 'Is there anything I can do?', which of course there isn't, hence more feelings of guilt on the spoonie's part, and helplessness – maybe even pity, yeuch – from the non-spoonie.

Thirdly, as I said before, I personally am not very good at discussing my feelings, so I have to be really close to people, and have built up a lot of trust before I can properly spill.  Saying that, I've got a lot better over the past year, probably as a result of the counselling I had, and the confidence that Gloria and VW instilled in me, that it really is ok to not be ok, and to say when that is the case.  I'm still pretty picky over who I share everything with, and 'I'm fine' is still my default response to the majority of my friends, but there are the odd exceptions, and I know exactly who I can say 'I'm crap' to.  I'm so lucky to have another spoonie in my life, in the form of The Wife as, although we don't the same conditions – though, not that far off either – we totally get each other, and we can be honest.  There's no point feeling guilty, cos we're both going through similar crap, and sharing our crap makes it that teensy bit more bearable.

So, if you are a non-spoonie, and you ask a spoonie how they are, don't be at all surprised, or offended, to receive the 'I'm fine' response.  It doesn't necessarily mean that person doesn't trust you; it might be that they're trying to spare your feelings, or conserve their energy.  If, however, you get an honest response, try not to freak out, or run a mile; that spoonie obviously trusts you a lot, and thinks enough of you to feel that they can share stuff without losing you, so be there for them.  Give them a hug, if they can physically manage one – I can't; yet another thing someone can't do for me – or simply listen.  It does help.

BW, with a little – ok, a lot – of help from The Wife xxx